Wading, Wading

I'm trying to understand what's important, what I need to focus on.  I spend so much of my time looking at things that will affect me for a little while and so little looking at the Cross.

I wonder, often enough, what I'm supposed to be looking toward.  The plot of the Bible seems to be the building of the Kingdom, so I guess that's what Earth's for.  I really hope that my life can be about that too.  If I try to find a plot in my life, it looks more like Kerouac in On The Road, just a guy sort of wandering.  I don't think I'll ever be that immoral, but I do think that if I don't stay focused, I could be like Hemingway in The Snows of Kilimanjaro.  Empty.

But how am I a part of this holy enterprise?  Can I contribute?  I wonder if my greatest contribution will be just getting out of the way.

When we lived in Brush Creek, Dad had this long wall he was building out of rocks.  There were a bunch of them in the area from the old, old days, and he loved them, and so he was building one behind our house.  It helped stop the erosion, too.  Anyway, I remember this one time Cameron and I were out that trying to help, and there was this big rock in the ground the was pointed all the wrong way, and we couldn't lay any stones on top of it.  This was a huge rock, too.  In the end, all we could do was work forever to get it out of the groud so the wall could be built right.  I wonder if some people are like that rock, and their greatest success is being moved.  And it's not their success at all, but the Builder's.

Not exactly an epic role, I know.  But then again, maybe my story shouldn't be epic.  My story should just be a part of His.

Overcome

Blogging's funny. I sort of philosophize about whatever's going on. Well, right now, fear's going on. Paralyzing, unholy fear.

Let me lay down the stats:
3 - hours I spend a day looking for a job
4 - nights in the last week where I've had trouble falling asleep because of worry about getting a job.
3 - Interviewers or resume reviewers who have told me I am unqualified (which I can't blame them for; I am.)
100% - of my recent prayers have ended with me forgetting that I'm praying and continuing to worry. Even if I'm praying about being faithful to God.

I don't know why we do this as humans. I mean, if there's one theme I want to have in this blog, it's that I try to look at things from Eternity's angle. But sometimes I just straight up don't believe in that stuff. I believe strongly in schedules and friends and deadlines and incompetence and very little in God's faithfulness. And that's just unrealistic.

A good view would hold worry as a pathetic and prideful thing, one that seeks to have everything in the person's control yet recognizes the lack of ability to control these things. A good view would recognize the fact that God leads the universe like a conductor a symphony, and the right sound comes out, even though that violinist in the back doesn't have a clue what he's doing.

But still the violinist sits and worries, not about how the band will sound, but about whether or not he'll be able to crescendo at the right time or play all those 32nd notes fast enough.

AND IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.

All I should do is be faithful to what God of Eternity has given me. Unfortunately, I'm more likely to succumb to the prince of this world.

Death and Divorce

I got this idea today while I was taking out the trash at work -

What if the reason we feel so much pain at people's passing has more to do with the picture of separation than it does with our own hurt?

To go on - the greatness of marriage lies in its picture of Christ and the Church in unity. That's why marriage is so beautiful, why everyone's so happy. Let's face it: John and Jane planning to spend a lot of time together is, in itself, just a very nice gesture on each individual's part. But the picture, that's the real deal.

So what if death is like that. Separation forever. Gone, and that relationship won't exist anymore. Looks a lot like a miniature picture of hell, eh?

That's all.

With A Little Help From My Friends

The Beatles -
"What do I do when my love is away?
Does it worry you to be alone?
How do I feel by the end of the day?
Are you sad because you're on your own?
No, I get by with a little help from my friends."

Amy's in Acapulco until April 23, and that's just downright strange. Not as strange as when I was in Rwanda and she wasn't around, but nearly. I'm so glad my friends are around. We've taken several late late night runs to the local "open all nite" establishment and made a video and just goofed off a lot in the past week, and I owe a lot to these guys. They're not making me avoid the recognition that Amy's gone, they're just trying to help me realize that there's a lot of other stuff going on in the world. It's a darned good perspective to have.

I remember, when Josh and I were rooming together, I'd get back from a long talk with Amy at 12:30 in the morning, and all I'd want to do was gripe and sleep. He always wanted to stay up and run around the dorms and do all sorts of things that people who are less than eight hours away from their first class of the morning should not do. But I almost always went along with him, mostly because he'd make me feel bad if I didn't, and I always was more able to look reasonably at whatever was upsetting me.

I think that's part of why we have other people around. God let's us see that all the stuff we're worried about isn't so terrible after all. Maybe, just maybe, we can even see, thanks to our friends, that there's Something much more important.

That said, I still miss Amy like crazy.